The weather has begun to change and like most of you I am truly enjoying the break from extreme, sweltering temperatures somewhat, but I don’t think anyone realizes what is on the horizon, or maybe what’s to come only bothers me.
Either way, before things get to that point, I am going to do my best to get it out of my system now.
Yes, the weather is nice. Yes, it is just in time to make a change for football season. Yes, it IS nice to be able to walk outside and not need a shower seconds after the one I just finished. But do any of you realize what comes next is going to be COLD?
It seems memories are short and I can recall so many of you last January complaining about the ice and freezing temps as if Dennis Quaid was stomping across the tundra in that horrible film The Day After Tomorrow. I also seem to recall telling many of you, and may have even written a column saying as much, that I didn’t want to hear one complaint about the heat you all were so desperately crying to the heavens for.
Some of you even appeared prepared to sacrifice chickens to create some voodoo mojo to make it — the hot weather — happen sooner.
What happened to you? I am a child of sunshine and after last winter was convinced you guys had finally come over from the dark side!
Instead I have been greeted by a barrage of complaints about the heat and sun for two months now followed by these wispy little grins, social media posts, and what has to be the signs of mass amnesia as you all have forgotten how miserable winter was for you.
I haven’t forgotten, just so you know.
Instead I have bitten my lip, in anticipation of the shivers just down the road as the zombie-like grins and glazed over stares at the drop in mercury that has driven you to insanity, at least on a temporary basis.
I am no Nanook of the North and do not know how to build igloos or warm myself with whale blubber. I don’t own polar bear boots or seal skin jackets, complete with waterproofing.
As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t make a difference if I did because I am not built for winter and don’t think I will ever be able to sustain a body temperature above frostbite under any conditions such as these.
My ability to slide like a penguin is nonexistent and my tolerance for snow is zero after the first 15 minutes it makes an appearance, so why rub it in my face when I know I will have to hear it all over again from the rest of you in a few months time?
So instead of quoting someone of substance to make my point — such as “Everyone complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it” — I am trying to vent and be done with it. And so you know, Floyd the barber on the Andy Griffith show has forever precluded me from being able to tell you who actually said that. He was sure it was Grover Cleveland, I think.
If it were up to me I would visit one of the Superman movies and steal that dastardly weather machine and lock everything down at about 90 degrees. It would forever be nothing but sunshine and crystal blue water, not to mention suntans and the smell of Hawaiian Tropic.
Alas, I know it is merely a dream that will never come true, short of a best seller and a home in the Caribbean, but I figure if you guys dream of cooler weather, even in contradiction of yourselves, I can dream of a day when there is world peace and nothing but sandy beaches forever.
While you see a break from the heat, I see the precursor to icy misery with a forecast of complaints from those who wished for this very change. Just remember, you should always be careful what you wish for because you almost always get it.
And chances are, it will be more than my toes and fingers can possibly stand. Thanks a lot.
D. C. Moody is a staff writer for The Easley Progress, The Pickens Sentinel and Powdersville Post and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Views expressed in this column are those of the writer only and do not represent the newspaper’s opinion.